You should go and love yourself...

I sent in Chapter 7 of Lukas last night so hopefully it posts later today. When it does, you can find it here.

I've been getting into this routine (2 days makes a routine?) of going to the gym and then drinking my protein shake in the bathtub while watching stuff on the iPad before I nap and then make dinner for the Persian husband. The majority of the stuff I watch is either youtube or Netflix. The big TV and the DVR in the living room and bedroom is all for the husband's stuff. He told me it's one of the things that shows we are different generations. I'm used to shows having one commercial or none and being on smaller screens. His generation likes DVRs and giant screens. 🙈 

This series is SO GOOD! This episode really hit me. Not so much the search for being muscular, but the parts on the guy who is too femme and the bulimic guy. 

I don't know that the gay community necessarily hates femme guys. We had a long talk about it last night over dinner and he had some different insights being from a very restrictive culture. My husband loves me and I'm not necessarily feminine, but I'm definitely not super masculine or a bro. He says I am very quiet and shy. I don't draw attention to myself or say/do loud and vulgar things. 

He said in his muslim culture it is taboo to be with another man so if a guy is too "loud" in his femininity it may draw a lot of men who can easily identify him for sex, but it is too risky to make that a relationship. It would invite rumors and danger.

He says a boy like me is more ambiguous at least until I open my mouth 🙊. A man who is looking for a boy might see me as someone who would be open to his affections, but the general public would just think I'm a smaller guy, smart and quiet (odd he said that since I don't think he thinks I'm very smart). It would be safer to be out with me in public in Iran (If I looked Iranian) and not have it assumed we were together in an unacceptable way. 

He said that sticks with muslim culture guys and any restrictive culture guys when they come here. They are scared off by overtly gay men here. He said it was ok when he was just looking for someone for a night, but he always knew it couldn't go further. It wasn't that he wasn't attracted to them, but that his instincts and alarms put a definite and quick ending on things. That's interesting because whenever he takes me around clients or earlier on when he had me around his friends, he would always say how proud of me he was for being a respectful boy who stayed by his side. I stick to him so he doesn't worry about me and I usually just sit and listen or play games on his phone so I don't intrude on things. I'm just naturally a quiet observer. It's my personality. 

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The other interesting part of the show was the boy dealing with bulimia. I definitely have issues with food. I convinced myself that I don't like food and especially that I don't like sugar or sweet things. Honestly though, it's just that my fear of gaining weight is bigger than my need to eat something tasty. I love being picked up by him and if he ever makes even a simple joke about me being heavy or makes a grunting noise like he's struggling, I will spend the next week cutting my portions in half and working out more. It's become so routine that it's instinctual. It's not even a struggle. 

Even my husband, the man I'm committed to spending my life with, thinks that my favorite food is raw cucumbers, grilled chicken, and oatmeal. Those are the three things I eat most and I really do like them. Sometimes he will order dessert and make me try a bite or at least lick the fork after he has had a bite. He says I need to eat more and he worries when my weight gets too low. But I know he likes me small. He will make comments sometimes. Like if I see a guy I think he will like and point it out to him, he'll say something like "No, he is too big," or "No, he needs to workout more." I know he's saying that because he wants to reassure me that I'm the one for him, but sometimes it feels like it sets an even stricter image on what perfection is. 

He said he feels pressure too, always needing to lift more and get bigger. He thinks I need him to be jacked and cut and shredded and all those other terms 🙉. I actually love him with a belly, except that it usually means he is too stressed and not taking care of himself. Yes... we are codependent.