I was thinking that today after emailing with a friend about the restrictions put on him by his Arab guy. My guy is Persian, but a quarter Arab on his mom's side so it's easier to lump him into that even though I'd never say that to his face. He's very much a proud Persian.... ANYWAYS!
I love this look. I get this look when I pin him down on the bed and he looks up at me like, "Really? You think you're tough? What you gonna do?"
When we started dating, I was about a five year old in his eyes. He would leave me alone either in my father's home, or at pre-planned activities like specific classes or things with my friends. He would take me and pick me up.
Right now I kind of place myself at a 7 or 8 year old. I'm allowed to roam our building, but I can't go across the street or out on my own. He doesn't think it's safe. We have the tracker apps on our phones so we can always see where each other is. That's something most couples probably do though.
Once we have kids, I'll be like a teenager, hopefully. I will learn to drive and be able to go places and take the kids around. But maybe not. Maybe when he becomes a father, it'll make him even more protective.
I get this look when he explains to me I can't walk a block away by myself to the drugstore. It's the look that says, "The world is too dangerous for you. Be ok with my rules, please."
I should make a chart! You find the indicators that best fit your relationship and it gives a real age equivalent. That could be an app!
Some days I slide all the way down to baby, especially if we are on vacation and he has time to focus too much on me. Or when we are around his friends I slide down to toddler.
I'm not complaining. I know I could be with a guy who is more into an equal type relationship, but I like what I have. I find my freedoms in little ways here and there, but at the end of the day I love the arms that hold me and tell me it's bedtime and rub me until I fall asleep on his chest.
That's a tough one. My sliding scale crosses both age and species. There are times he treats me like I'm a child, maybe a toddler. Sometimes I think he treats me like a pet, "a baby step above a gerbil."
ReplyDeleteAt work he treats me like an almost adult. I get the feeling that is not the norm. There are a couple of other boys who work at our firm. They DON'T like me. They are little more than filing clerks, or tea boys. There are times that's uncomfortably lonely. "Math boy" checks things, for the big people. It's like there's an unwritten memo that I'm still a child, but I'm a smart child. And everyone goes through Zahir to get to me. They explain what they need to him and he in turn relays it to me.
But most of the time I think it's the toddler. Needing someone to tell me what to eat, when to eat and when to sleep. He treats me like everything is going to kill me, and I'm too simple to see it.
Then he does something like he did today. I realize how much he does care for me. Took time out of his day twice contact me because he knew I was hurting. The biggest aphrodisiac in the world for me is a person who gives you his time.
I totally get the pet thing too! Whenever I go to work with him in his office, I'm not there for his actual business so everyone in his office just makes short pleasant talk with me.
DeleteI get that too about me being too simple to understand how dangerous things are. He says I am naive and trusting, but he likes me that way and doesn't want me to have to become jaded and guarded against things. He explains it as him being the hard shell and me being the pearl that is protected.
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DeleteOMG! I get the hots from the 'You think you're tough?'-look. I might need to find myself a Persian husband. Any tips? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI loved chapter 9 of Lukas by the way. Especially the will they/won't they between Lukas and Ari's dad.
Hang around West LA. There are so many Persians that they call it Tehrangeles (LA + Tehran). It's easier to find Arabs than Persians. There are many of them. I know San Diego has a ton of Iraqis and The SF Bay Area has a lot of Afghans and Arabs.
DeleteSurely he sees you as older than 7. After all, he lets you run around the apartment building by yourself. More like 10 to 12? LOL
ReplyDeleteAll kidding aside, I don't see anything wrong with clearly defined "gender" roles in a relationship. That dynamic may not be for everyone, but I believe I am safe in saying it is for those of us in this conversation. I hope nobody is trying to advise you to change the nature of your relationship.
Ok maybe 10, but I know that if I made him a Macaroni Art necklace for his birthday, he would find a place in his office to hang it. :)
DeleteI have gotten emails from readers, especially of the Noah series, that have told me I am clearly in an abusive relationship and I need to get help. I haven't gotten those emails in awhile though. It kind of led me to not writing that series anymore
Busy bodies! It's always those who have bad relationships or none at all that give the loudest advice.
DeleteI believe you are correct when you say that your role will develop after school, after children, etc. From what I read on this blog and in your stories, there is no doubt that he would jump in front of a bullet for you. He owns his responsibility as the "yang" in your household. You will ultimately own all aspects of "yin".
This is truly how my husband sold himself to me, by being masculine, protecting, and providing. When I developed into the bigger money-earner in our household, it dramatically changed the dynamic. He is not as sexually attractive to me, nor am I to him (though he would never say that). In fact, he has reverted to more of a child-like figure, and I have taken the role that his mother once played. She was/is a strong matriarch. What I wouldn't give to go back and keep him in a more Alpha position.
Auntie Brad's advise to you is to proceed thoughtfully and with all the love you can pour onto your husband. Own and control the feminine aspects of your marriage and happily hand him the masculine aspects.
So there I go giving you advice, too! How hypocritical of me. What can you expect from someone raised in a Southern Baptist church? Hahahahaha!
Oh wow. That has to be a bummer. Is there a way to change things back? I think in our relationship we are very good at maintaining our roles. Plus there is no danger of me ever earning more than him. He has always really liked that I am a super quiet and super shy person in off-line life. I express myself much better through writing, but in public he is such a super outgoing and charming guy and I like that he can speak for us.
DeleteHe makes it so I don't have to be a guy who toughens up or stands up to others. I like that.
Can you get him back to a more alpha position? Is it really about the money? I wonder, if I ever did become a super famous author, that would probably change things a lot between us.
It sounds like your husband is good with money, so you probably have less to worry about on that topic. Mine was raised with a silver spoon in his mouth, an old, heavily engraved silver spoon. Think Downton Abbey. He is terrible with money. In fact, in his heart, he believes it is beneath him to earn money, so he dabbles at this and that and sponges off of his family.
DeleteIt goes against my nature to live that way. I cannot put my life on hold, while we wait for his parents (now only mother) to pass away. I suppose I had little choice but to do things the way I did. However, once that line was crossed, and he got used to having my income, there was a role change, and there is no going back. It was a trade-off, and I would rather have the better lifestyle.
As far as your writing, I think you have the talent to become a wildly successful author, and I believe from all you have shared that your husband would probably be great at investing and growing any fortune you made, so don't worry about that. I just used it as an example of how crossing certain lines must be done with great care, so you weigh the consequences before taking action.
I just really want to support the decisions you have made toward your relationship and try to counter-balance any negative feedback you receive. You are young, but you come across as wise, so I hope there is something to be learned from my experiences.
This is an interesting topic and it would be fun to have an open forum discussion. It's also funny, because just a little while ago, I ran to the store for a few items I need to make dinner. When I got there my phone rang and I knew without looking that it would be my guy wondering why my GPS dot was not at home. Ha ha!
ReplyDeleteI fall somewhere in the teen category (you were right Em). I drive and I have a job, which he respects, but he always knows where I am and how long the drive time is to return home. He also knows a few of the doctors I work with, so there is added security and peace of mind for him. I am getting better though at telling him when I am leaving the house, but today I forgot. Oops...I'll probably hear about it when he gets home. It's ok though. It let's me know he really cares.
Alex
Give him time! He will have you down to a 13-14 year old soon enough. Unless you push back. I don't mind the not driving thing. I really don't want to have to do that and I know it's going to be hard when we finally do move to suburbia and I have to get a license.
DeleteI hope you eventually get a better schedule so things can synch up. A would go nuts having me out at night. He would end that very quickly. But you guys are still new and settling things. I hope it works out soon.
Hey emri ive been reading your blog and your stories for a long time now. I loved your story “noahs starship”... i was wondering what you and ashkan looked like? Im dying of curiousity
ReplyDeleteI'm small like Noah, but I don't think I'm as cute. He is big like Navid and just as protective. Not posting pics though. :)
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