Disappointment

 I haven't posted a blog in a year? That's crazy! 

We bought a house back in December and moved out of our fun beachside apartment. That's about it. 

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This week I finished up my projects for the semester. One of the projects was a group project over the whole semester and I had these two people I was working with, a guy and a girl. They went to high school together so they've known each other a long time and we were totally getting along. 

For our big project I did most of the writing and edited their stuff so we could get an A on it. 

So they wanted to take me to this boba tea coffee shop place where they like to hang out and it has a big selection of weird board games and people who visit and play them leave notes and tips on how to play the games. 

I was super excited because my classes are online so I didn't get to meet people in person. We were supposed to meet up on Wednesday afternoon and my husband had a morning meeting and then was going to come home and take me to hang out with them. 

 I got ready and about an hour before we were supposed to meet up I texted them, "See you guys at 1. I'm excited." 

Then they texted me back saying they have to cancel because an old friend is in town for the day and they were going to hang out with her. 

I texted my husband not to rush home because they canceled on me. So that made him rush home even sooner. He looked so sad when he walked in and saw me sitting on the couch. I had on my new shirt and new shoes I was saving for going somewhere fun. 

"No! Is so sad! You dressed cute to see your friends. They are not your friends. I will hurt them!" He was so pissed. So I got a big hug and he changed and took me to lunch. 

I was upset because they didn't even bother to make up an excuse. It's just like something better came up. And I also feel kind of used because I did so much work for our project and now that the class is over they just blew me off. 

I didn't reply to their text. I don't want to sound like a psycho and be rude because what good would that do? 

It's really hard making friends when you're doing online classes and spending most of the week at home. Our new neighborhood is mostly young couples and families and we haven't seen any gay couples on our walks. 

My husband is super outgoing and everyone loves him. Plus he is out working all the time and meeting people so new friends just swarm around him. It's effortless. My socialization is always through him. I don't have close friends on my own except my friends from where I grew up which is an hour away. 

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But anyways. We decided to go to a resort for the weekend in Arizona to celebrate finishing the semester. It's beautiful here. He is out at a meeting (of course he made it a work trip), but just for the morning and then we'll have the weekend to enjoy together. 

It's may!

 It's May!

Ok so the delivering packages job is going pretty well, and And AND they offered me a bigger job as an office assistant answering phones and helping people. The lady who was doing it quit and they like that I haven't snapped at anyone or physically injured anyone. 

I told the husband about it and of course he instantly said no. He said he doesn't even like me doing the job I have right now and he was pissed that the manager didn't run it by him before offering it to me. I kind of expected that. It's cool, he just needs some time to think about it and get used to it. He wants me to be at home full time, but he also knows how sad I get just being at home. So we will see what happens. 

This is the funny thing.... When I deliver packages, I usually use a wagon and the elevator, but I'm trying to get the small stuff by just using a bag and the stairs. It has REALLY helped my workouts! All the up and down has made my butt get extra bubbly. The husband has definitely noticed and it definitely helps in our love life. But it also makes him a little extra protective. 

This past weekend we went to the gym and he hasn't been in awhile because he's been working like crazy. He just looked so disappointed with not being able to do the weights he used to do and getting tired pretty quickly. He was ready to go after thirty minutes and he just hung out by the stair climber where I was working out. He just hung out until I finished, but he kept "noticing guys looking at me." It does feel good to have his attention like that, but I don't like him feeling insecure about me.

So things are going ok! I will write again. I really will! I just need some inspiration with how to finish the Dylan series and it'll come back! I hope! 😍

Proud of me! :)

 Small victories, but huge for me! 

1. I got my husband to go for a checkup physical. Once I get him in the door, he usually agrees to do all the tests they want like bloodwork, urine, all that stuff. 

He hates going to the doctor which is funny because if I even sneeze, he wants to take me to urgent care. He doesn't take care of himself. He admits that that's my job. He's going to be 34 this year, and it's been a really stressful year for him. It turned out pretty good. He has some things to work on, but he is healthy. 

2. I got a job! It's just a few hours a day, but I'll be helping out in office tasks at the complex where we live and delivering packages in a wagon. There's over 500 units in this building and 10 different elevators so delivery people get super lost and there's a huge problem with people getting the wrong deliveries. They'll still make the delivery people take the big/heavy stuff, but this place gets a crazy amount of little packages. I'll get buff too...maybe. I'm usually out walking around the complex anyways. 

I just pull a wagon around, drop a package, ring a doorbell, and walk off. No face to face contact. I'm excited! 

I promised A that the level of clean apartment and cooked meals and sexual happiness will not drop. He's friends with the head manager so he knows I'll be looked after. But it's something to put on my resume which is super cool. I feel like things are starting to move in a brighter direction. He said if his parents found out I was delivering packages, they'd freak out and send us money, but I'm proud of me. 

February!

 I don't know if anyone reads blogs anymore, just wanted to get some thoughts down. 

I haven't written much at all, and it really doesn't help that there's a fantastic new storyline brewing my head, because i'm not allowing myself to start a new series until I wrap up at least one of the open ones I have on wattpad. 

If you don't know about my wattpad series, click here to read them. 

I don't know why... we've been in covid mode for two years now, but these last three months have really hit me. I think it's partially that my husband (the alpha persian) canceled my spring courses because he was worried they would make me go back on campus before covid is somewhat calmed down. 

We argued about it, and then like two weeks later the Cal State Univ. system announced they were opening campuses again so he was correct. He refuses to let me go on a public campus everyday like that and two of the classes I need were only being offered online until things opened.  

So then I decided I need a job. He always offers for me to work for him, but doing his receipts and expense reports and things is not really something I want to do with my life. 

The plan was that we'd have children by now, but the surrogacy thing didn't work out the time we tried it... and it really sucked... and neither of us want to start that again right now. 

The cafe place we like to walk to for dinner sometimes has openings, but just when he said he would think about it, there were two tourists robbed and shot just down the street. He saw that on the news and immediately said the cafe would not be ok for me. He said I have enough work taking care of him and our home. 

I know this is all temporary. I know I will go back and finish my classes and degree (I just need like four classes more!). I know life will go back to normal, and he'll run out of excuses why I shouldn't be employed. I'm just feeling trapped and kind of worthless. My purpose in life cannot be cleaning up after my husband. 

Anyways, I need to stop complaining. It never helps. It's sunny and 70 degrees outside and we're going to walk to a food truck thing later with two of his friends.

I'm obsessed with this Ukraine thing. I grew up in a part of the san fernando valley where we have lots of ukrainians, persians, russians, etc... We had a Ukrainian family a few apartments down from us when I was little and the older mother was always so nice to me since I didn't have a mom. She would watch me sometimes when my dad needed help. She had two older kids and the four of them lived in a one bedroom apartment, but it was very neatly kept. I hope they're doing ok.  

Moving Home

 We are moving. I can't wait and I'm so excited. 

Last summer we bought a house in Texas to be close to my husband's family. They (the parents and A's youngest brother) moved here a few years back from Iran with his father's engineering job. It's been fun to have them just a few miles away. 

We had so many hopes here. We moved close to the gayborhood where we could walk to nice restaurants and stuff. With the Covid thing, my husband has mostly kept me home. He goes to do the grocery pickup or goes inside stores for things we need, but I've only been in a handful of places. It's been a really isolating year. We made no friends for me here. I don't know a single person who isn't related to my husband. 

I tried not to complain too much, but I really miss California. I've only lived in LA, and I didn't realize how attached I am to it. People in Texas are kind of rude. It's a totally different vibe from SoCal and we are not feeling it. 

Husband was having issues with his family too. He's been independent from them for a long time and doesn't welcome their advice or input. It's funny because my husband gets so mad when his mother comes into our house and moves things around or changes things. I never argue with her and I am happy she wants to do these things with me. I let her do whatever she wants and I say thank you. She hugs me and smiles. 

My husband gets so annoyed. He tells me, "You can put things back how you had them. You can tell her no. I told her to stop doing that." 

I'm like, "Do you want me to argue with your mother? I am not going to argue with your mother." 

I tell him how lucky I am that his parents from Iran accept me as their own. I tell him I don't care if his mom wants to move my plates or cups or flour or whatever. She can do whatever. They like me and accept me into their family. That's what is important. I am not going to start any problems with them. 

We are moving back next month. I'm ready to be back home. His company got us an apartment in West LA. I've never lived close to the beach. I can't wait. 

Disaster mode, but we are safe.

 We are finally back in our house after 3 days without power. My husband spent an hour this morning crawling around inspecting things and luckily no water pipes burst. So crazy! I am ready to go back to california. 

We woke up Monday to a freezing cold house and we made it to his parents house a few miles west of us. Luckily they had power, but it went off for most of the time the last few days. They had a big stack of firewood though and had moved it to the garage so it was dry. So crazy! 

We had our powerblock thingies all charged up because the news warned that the power might go out, so we were able to charge our phones, but then the cell towers went down one by one. It was so crazy! My husband would pull up the map app to see where it located us, and our dot kept getting farther and farther away from where we were which means the cell towers were dying. 

Tonight it is supposed to snow and freeze again, but hopefully we will keep our house warm so we can stay here. The heater has it up to 68 inside right now. It was below 30 when we checked on it yesterday. That's inside, not outside. 

Thankfully everyone is ok and we didn't get damage. The water pressure is very low across the city.  

I am over Texas. I am really really over Texas. 

My dad lived through the Northridge quake before I was born, and he was telling me about how LA was without power or water for a few days. I have never been through something like this. 

Back to cleaning! Hope everyone is ok. 

Persian Cling

 My husband is on a zoom business call in the other room so I actually have an hour to myself. 

I have so many storylines going in my head, but it's so rare that I get to just sit with my laptop in peace by myself. 

I know I am super fortunate to be married to a guy who always wants me within arm's reach, but it leaves no time for my creative outlet. Some days he will even bring his laptop and phone to the kitchen island and conduct full business meetings while I'm making food or cleaning up. 

Yesterday he came into the kitchen and sat there then reached over and turned my music way down because he got a call from an investor. 

I started waving my arms for him to take his call in a more private place. He has a home office. There's a whole bedroom with his office set up and he only goes in there to get something off the printer. 

I'm waving my arms at him and he smiles then winks at me. He thinks I just want love so he comes over and puts his arms around me from behind and rubs his nose into the back of my neck while conducting his business call. He just doesn't understand needing space. 

Last week he told me, "This year has been so good for us! We are closer than ever!" 

I should not complain. He is working extra hard to keep us going through this pandemic economy (and actually he says he is doing better since we moved to Texas). 

I think part of the problem is that we aren't able to hang out with friends here. Our pandemic pod is his family and no one else. Hopefully things go back to normal in a few months. 

How is everyone else's relationship doing this year? 

January 20th

 My husband is so cute. He is working from home this year, and when he gets busy, he will talk to himself as he's doing stuff (sometimes in English). 

This morning, he came in from getting some papers out of his car, and he took his jacket off and tossed it on the couch then started to walk away. He stopped, turned back and said, "No. No jacket on the couch, the baby doesn't like that." He picked up his jacket and took it and the papers to his little office. 

He does the funniest stuff when he thinks I'm not watching/listening. I don't think I've ever yelled at him for leaving his clothes around the house, but I do joke about it. He is getting better. Last week he ordered us food online to be delivered, and he ordered my sandwich and then said to himself, "no mayonnaise, the baby hates mayonnaise. He will not eat it." 

January is almost over! So much is going on. We are hoping we can get the vaccine soon. They are down to 60 year olds in our area. Hopefully they get to the 20s before Spring. 

My husband is working with an immigration lawyer so they can start the paperwork to bring over his brothers and their families. I know it is hard for his parents to be here without their whole family together. 

Once they get over here, then my husband says we are definitely moving back to California. If we have his whole family together here then we can just visit them every month without being too close. 

I'm sure this year has all of us missing our people. 

I signed up for a class this summer so I can finally finish my degree by the end of the year. I think it's been easy to put it off with this pandemic as an excuse. Honestly though I just don't know what I am going to do when I finally finish it. Maybe that's why it is easy to put the classes off. 

Hot guys picnic

 For Christmas, my husband and his parents bought me pretty much every kitchen tool I saw on tv this year and said, "oh we should try that!" 

I think they feel bad for me, but I really am interested in things other than cleaning and food. 

For the cleaning thing, I really am a bad gay stereotype. I like things in their place and I love when my husband's mother comes into our house and does this little head nod with a smile. 

I will say, the air fryer is the best invention ever! 

Last night they came for dinner, and I made them chicken in the air fryer. His mom brought a big salad she'd made and the two things were so good together. 

The juicer is somehow masculine enough for my husband to get into. He loved shoving giant vegetables into the machine. We made a celery, carrot, cucumber, apple juice then I added frozen berries to the glasses. It was so good. 

I'm enjoying spending all this time with his family, but we are both ready to get back to California when all this is over. 

We have had so many meals in our car or a park this year. It's become our habit when we need to get out of the house. We order online, pull up for curbside, then either eat in the car or go to a nearby park. 

Yesterday we ate in our car in the parking lot of the park because it was a little busy. There was an endless supply of hot guys out running! We live just a mile from the most popular trail that runs along the bayou. It was funny because every guy who would pass, we would say "yes" or "no" for who we liked. I'm sure all couples do this at some point. My husband gave a few yeses to some passing girls as well! I didn't vote on any girls. 

It's funny how much he has changed. He used to never ever comment on guys he thought were cute, and I wouldn't have even dared to do that.  Now it's like "Ok, whatever. We're together forever so it's cool."

It also surprised me that he isn't just into white boys like me. He has a pretty good spectrum of interests. 

Did anyone else stay up late with the election news? I fell asleep on my guy's chest about 10, but I know he was up late (He's still sleeping in). He will be happy for the news when he wakes up. It'll help us get the rest of his family here. He has two brothers and their families still back in Iran. I know how much that will mean to his family to be together again. 

Today's font is Georgia. 😀

New Year 2021

I feel like this year has been a deep dive into the "What are you doing with your life?" question. It has definitely reframed it for our family, and I doubt many people would be answering that question with anything similar to this time last year. 

Without all this craziness, I doubt we would have moved to Texas to be near my husband's family. We are both ready to head back to California, but there have been some nice things about it too. 

The last few years my husband was working like crazy to build something secure for us. This year he has been able to relax a lot more. It forced him to take a step back, and think about the kind of guy he wants to be going forward. 

It's definitely made him more needing of my time and attention. Last year at this time, I was practically begging him to step back from his crazy workload and do things with me. Now it's kind of the opposite. I'm trying to clean something or cook something, and he shows up wanting to participate. Yesterday he stopped me while I was vacuuming because "The vacuum sounds weird. Lemme take a look at it." 😆 I was like, "No! Stop! Let me just finish!" 

He's messing up my daily flow. 

Wattpad: 

This year definitely zapped my creativity. I had hopes of fixing three stories that had bad endings or no endings. I was going to redo Tabula Colton, Kasper, and Ahmed's Cub. I think they would work well with Wattpad, but need major re-writes. I've done almost nothing with them other than grammar and spelling. 

So much of my inspiration for storylines and characters came from being out and people watching. I got a ton from dinners/adventures out with my husband's clients and friends. He meets really interesting super wealthy people. This year has shut that down. 

I like the wattpad format though. I love all the interactive comments and getting so much feedback on my stories, but the readers are very different from nifty's audience. 

I get a lot of the readers who start out loving the series, but being a little concerned for the controlling character (Ali, Ari, Navid, etc...). They post a ton of comments and things are going well, but then they hit that one point in the story where it is clear that the main character is a submissive. Then I get a lot of negativity because they bonded with my characters and care about them, but don't accept the submissive/dominant relationship. I usually leave the comments unless they are too rude. 

I have a new storyline that has been growing in my head the last two months. I've written nothing on it though. It's a hunky younger guy who gets with an older guy who is super alpha in his daily routine, but super submissive in sexual situations. I'm just not feeling the pen-to-paper on it yet though. 

I hope 2021 brings a return to normalcy. I want my creativity back. I know I am completely privileged to have a husband who has kept me home and safe this year. He has gone out of his way to make COVID something we see on the news and not in our family. I am so so so grateful for that. I am grateful that I am healthy and safe even if I'm bored and blocked. 

My husband keeps saying, "Some seasons we aim for stars, in this season we aim for life." He can be a real fortune cookie some times.  

When do you let people go?

 I haven't blogged since January! I don't know if anyone still reads this. We have had a pretty crazy year. 

We moved to Texas this summer to be closer to my husband's family. It was the pandemic and then a death in his family (back in Iran). I couldn't really say no since he'd been away from his family for 8 years since he left Iran. His parents moved to Texas for a job last year and we'd talked about it. 

Things are good here, but I really miss California, and he is starting to remember why he moved halfway across the world from his family. We're not sure what to do, but we know we want to go back. 

I do want your advice though. 

I have a friend I grew up with and we were pretty much inseparable through high school. Things got kind of strained when I met my husband and even worse when I got married. He's kind of the gay best friend I wrote about in some of my series. 

He's always been that type that makes mean jokes and then acts like it's my problem if I get upset. 

When I got married and changed to online school, he made jokes about me being a houseboy or housewife or other terms. We grew up in the same neighborhood except that he had two parents and they had a house instead of an apartment. He never made me feel weird about being poor or not having the stuff he had. 

Now he is working and paying his way through college without much help from his parents and he kind of makes comments that show he is not happy that I'm not in the same situation. A lot of those "must be nice" comments. I feel bad for him.  

His social media makes it look like he is living the super posh life. A lot of it is fake, but I don't call him out on it, because he's my friend. 

Back when we lived in LA, he would post pics of our house or restaurants we'd take him to or my husband's car. My husband is annoyed with him, but he puts up with him because he's my friend. 

The rude jokes though! They are getting worse, especially during the pandemic when he has to keep working to pay his bills, and I complain about my husband not letting me leave the house. 

Last time, he said, "You don't have real problems. Keep his house clean and be happy." 

I know I can't have a serious conversation with him or even say he is being rude. It makes me sad. 

I don't know what to say to him about it, and I don't want to just drop him. 

I have bad memory with things. It's why I am a writer. I love how much he knows about me and all the funny things he remembers from growing up. Sometimes he will bring up some inside joke I have completely forgotten and he remembers every detail of how it happened and why it's funny. 

My husband thinks he is jealous and that things have become toxic. I have a hard time letting people go, even when it is way past time. 

Any thoughts? I really am not sure what to do. 

Growing Up

So I am starting to figure out how this whole adult thing works. 

Over the Christmas break, I had several little incidents with my husband that really bothered me. A few times, someone would ask me a question and my husband would interrupt and laugh then say, "Why you ask this to him? Emri does not know this." or "My Emri does not know these things. He is just a boy." 

It was usually questions about our schedule or upcoming events or other life plans. 

I got into it with my husband and he seemed surprised that I was offended. He said, "You do not wish to be an adult! I am happy with you being a simple one. This is what you want. Yes?" 

He told me he got this message because every time he tries to talk to me about bills or accounts or our investments I get a dazed look and ignore him. He showed me the file he has showed me before that has all the instructions on what to do if he dies. It has who to call and all the important information. 

He said he thought I didn't want to know any of this stuff or handle anything and he is happy to handle it for me. 

We had some important talks. I am finishing school soon and I want to not be a total dope about our life together. He said it would help him greatly if I could keep an eye on the house bills and manage the travel plans. He said it would let him focus more on his business knowing I was handling the home things. 

So this week I have paid the electricity and cable/internet bill. He is giving me little assignments. Every day I check the bank and credit card accounts and send him a summary all together in one email. I note any new charges or deposits and what they were for. 

Today I booked a hotel for us on the beach in San Diego for a nice weekend. He showed me how to use the points and then call the hotel to make sure we get the view we want. I am learning his logins for things and they are saved in my phone. 

He said that after I graduate, I could help out with his business since it is the source of our income. He said it would allow me time to write and clean and cook for us. I feel good about it. It's a step in the right direction. 

He also agreed to let me answer a question from his family without interrupting and making me feel small. Positive steps... 👼

January 13th

We are getting back to normal here. Lots of holiday travel. Texas was good. 

So my Lukas story got reported. I kinda knew it was coming because the chapters got more and more explicit. I kept pushing the boundaries and I guess someone thought it needed to be labeled as mature. The later chapters are definitely mature, but the first twenty or so are heavily edited... but whatever. 

Things are good with me and the husband. Now that we are back home we have some space again. 

The problem is that he has no need for space from me. If it were up to him, I would just stay at his side at all times. For me, I need some room. It's hard to write or blog or be creative when he is right next to me. Now we are home and he is working and driving around LA so I have some home time. 

The worst was last week when we went for business up in northern california. The room he booked was at an old hotel in San Francisco where the rooms are tiny. Not only were we together all day and night, but we were together in a small space. :) 

I shouldn't complain. He loves me like crazy and takes care of me and works to make a nice life for me... but I need some room to breathe sometimes. 

School is starting again next week. I should be finishing my degree this summer. That is crazy. I feel like I have been a college student forever. 

I am working on the Tabula Colton series on Wattpad. I labeled it mature ahead of time. It limits exposure to the series, but I guess it is good to do that. 

Happy New Year. 

Monday in Texas

I am so in love with my parent-in-laws. 

My mother-in-law did the sweetest thing. She had some pictures of us (me and husband) printed and hung them up in the bedroom we use when we are here in their home. She even framed the picture we took on our wedding day (the small, quick wedding because I was over trying to plan a big event). She put it on the dresser in our room. She said this is our place and wants us to feel at home. So sweet. 

His dad! Ok so my father-in-law is pushing my husband to teach me to drive and get me a car. I have no urge to drive. Maybe it's my generation, but we just aren't car people, at least not in LA. 

My husband does NOT like being told what to do with me. That is the one area of his life where he will push back on influence from his parents. When it comes to me, he likes to handle his boy. But he had been telling his dad that he was teaching me to drive. That was not true. 

So my FIL gave me the keys to his car and said "Why don't you drive it out of the driveway and then you can drive us up to the big road." They live on a small road that is like a long street that ends in a cul-de-sac where they are at the end

I looked at my husband with panic so he jumped in and said, "He is not used to your car. Is too big for him. He will be too nervous and damage things.  Is not for tiny boy." (FIL has a huge SUV)

That worked. Then we were driving to dinner and FIL asked what kind of car I will get. I don't know cars and car brands.  My husband only gets Lexus so I said Lexus. 

+++

Thanksgiving in Texas is going well. We went to the gym today and then went to a Persian market to get things his mom needed. His mom sent us to the one she goes to, but when we got close to it the neighborhood looked really sketchy! 

My husband said, "This is not a place for you!" That's what he says when a neighborhood does not look safe. It was an old shopping center on a busy street with run down apartments around it. It looked like the bad parts of the San Fernando Valley. Wide, crumbling boulevards stuffed with old apartments and payday lending businesses. 

The market was decent. It was mostly Arab people and I stuck by my husband and followed him. 

Usually he zones out in a grocery store. He pushes the cart and plays with his phone while I fill it with what we need. He only looks up when it is time to put his card in the little pay machine at checkout. But this time I was the cart pusher since I had no idea how to read what she wrote or how to read any of the packages. He guided us through it and did all the talking. 

We made it out ok. I didn't realize just how big of a Middle Eastern population this area has. I was definitely the one who stuck out. 

Texas and Colton

Well we are in Texas! We flew in and we'll be here for at least this week. I am excited. His family has big plans for their first Thanksgiving here. His mom is going to make a feast. 

Also. I started retooling Tabula Colton for Wattpad. Please check it out if you want to see what I do with it. Also please vote on each chapter so I can feel better about myself. hahahaha. 

Steven R McQueen is my Colton. Henry Golding is my Mr. Takada. :) 

In the original series I kind of got off track with side characters. I want to bring it back and rework the ending of it. Also I am going to add an ending! haha. The story never really had one on nifty. 

Anyways! Lots of relaxing family time should help my husband with stress. He is going to cut back on the work next week. Our flight was quick and uneventful. I slept, he typed, plane flew. 

Awkward Gym!

We went to the gym this morning. My husband got SO upset! 

I was running on a treadmill and this hot guy with a gym nametag came over and introduced himself. 

I got scared and I took my earbud out and slowed my run. Then he starts asking me what kind of workout I usually do. 

Me: Umm. Just this stuff and yoga usually. 

Him: Ahh yeah. Have you thought about weights? 

Me: No, just the freeweights at home usually. 

Him: I could totally show you some routines and help you bulk up some! Have you had sessions with a trainer before? 

So I realize he is a trainer trying to sell me sessions. I've never had that happen at our gym. Then he asks if my parents have a plan for it. I realize he thinks I'm a teenager. 

My husband comes over in a rush looking heated. He shooed the guy away politely but he looked really upset. The whole thing was so uncomfortable! I told my husband he was just trying to sell training packages. So husband talked to the manager about interrupting people's workouts to sell things. The manager said that's not their policy and apologized. Then we left. 

So I guess we won't be back to that gym. It wasn't the one we usually go to. It was really awkward. 

My husband said, "He tries to sell more than plan. He has eyes. I know those eyes!" 

So I gave him a nice massage when we got home. He gets so worked up over that stuff. 

He said, "I do not want my boy bothered like this. He need to be train better!" 

Happy Saturday! :) 

Updates

So this week we got some bad news from the doctor. My husband needs to take a step back from his constant work craziness. It is aging him and giving him health problems he shouldn't be facing at 31. 

He didn't tell me at first. We went for his checkup and he and the doctor were talking in Farsi because of course we must have a Persian doctor! :)  

He has to take it easier. He has to take less business and turn over more to the two assistants he's been pretty rough on. He says they do good work, but it's not his level. 

He said, "It's hard. There is SO much opportunity here. It is so easy to make money in this country if you put in the work! In Iran you are born into a class and there is not the ease to move up. People get jobs and opportunity at birth. This country has every possibility." 

I am trying my best to learn new massage techniques to help him relax. He loves that I am trying them out on him. Last night we watched our first holiday movie. We'll get a tree when we get back from Thanksgiving in Texas. 

He normally doesn't open up to me about stress. I had to get him naked, under the covers, with just a soft lamp glow before he'd tell me. He said it is so hard to say no to all the dollars flying around and deals keep popping up. He wants to give me this magical high priced life that we really don't need. 

I told him I could get a job since I'll finish my degree soon. 

Him: I will not have my boy working! What kind of man can't provide the life his family deserve?

Me: I don't care about having this big house. I want a long life together, not a Gucci one. I don't want you killing yourself trying to buy me junk I don't need. I'd be ok in an apartment if it meant you had peace. 

Him: You don't know the life you gave me. I was ready to head home to Iran. I'd be there now, married to an older woman with a good job and I'd try to have a Persian version of you on the side. I never thought I could have this and it is so hard to not give it my everything, to give you my everything. 

I know he is so happy to have his parents here and his other brothers should be coming in a few years when the immigration thing cools down. 

He agreed to set actual work hours for himself and rely on his assistants more. He said he has made good investments with the profits so we have funds for his retirement and our future kids. 

He is going to try and turn off work by 7 each night and dedicate more time to relaxing, watching movies, and playing his video games with his friends. And we plan to use our Disneyland passes more frequently. It's nice to just go for dinner and walk. We easily do 4-5 miles in an evening and talk about things. 

He is also going to try and actually work out when we go to the gym instead of just doing the minimum on the machines and socializing with people. 

It's funny. Every time we go to the gym he makes new friends. He will start doing reps but then some other muscle hunk will talk to him and by the time I finish he's lost time.  

He's said this stuff before. I hope he can do it. I need him; not the money or house or trips or financial stuff. 

I love making artistic covers for the Lukas chapters! So cool! :) 

Halloween!

We are exhausted! So many trick-or-treaters came to our house. We opened the front gate and put a lighted sign that said "Candy" with an arrow pointing at our house. 

We didn't think many people would come. We live up in the hills and it is big houses with lots of older people. But the people from the packed in neighborhoods below us come up to the hills for the good candy so we had a ton of people! Thankfully my husband insisted on buying lots of candy just in case. We figured we'd just load kids up if not many came. 

It was a HOT dad parade!! OMG. Down below us there are a lot of Arab and Persian and Asian families and some of those dads! Wow! And when did dads start wearing hot costumes? We had dads in tight body suits and dads in muscle shirts and capes. I would say at least 1 of every 5th trick-or-treater brought some dad candy. :) 

My husband made lots of new friends. I handed out lots of candy to the kids and kept saying, "Take an extra one for your daddy!" hahaha. Of course I said NONE of this to my husband. 

We both dressed up. I was an Angels player and he did Batman. He looks pretty hot too. :)  We gave out five big bags of candy. That's almost 1000 pieces! We still have a bowl left so husband will take it to work tomorrow. I had one small bag of M&Ms. He had... quite a few. 

Book Review and Related Conversations

This book! This book! I read it in 2 days flat and it is a heartbreaking, brutally honest look at growing up with an abusive parent. The Dangerous Art of Blending In 

17 year old Evan Panos lives in a small town in Illinois with his greek immigrant parents. His mother has mental issues and has beaten him since childhood to get the demons out and make him right with God. His father, a handsome Greek baker, seems frozen and unable to help. 

The story follows a series of disappointing bystanders as Evan tries again and again to get help only to be pushed back to his abuser. 

Things get weirder when his best friend Henry comes back from summer and has turned into a muscle hunk who confesses his love for Evan. Evan loves him too and yet that doesn't really fix things. 

Sounds like a book you don't want to read, right? Oh but it's good! 

The author, a design star on several cable shows I have never seen, reveals it is his own story. 

There is so much to say about this book! 

I related to having issues with a mother since mine left pretty early on. I talked to my dad about it. I don't remember much of being with her. I remember a lot of happy meals at the park. 

I remember her yelling at me for not finishing my food because she had finished her cigarette and wanted to go. I'd start to tear up and she'd feel bad and yell at herself then tell me I was ok and not to listen to her. 

She'd say, "Mean mommy, right?" Then I'd tell her, "No, mommy. You're not mean." 

Then she'd call a friend or my dad or someone on her phone so I could just sit there and play with the happy meal toy while I slowly worked through the chicken nuggets. She had this silver flip phone she'd never let me touch. 

"Did she ever hit me?" I asked my dad this. I don't recall it. She wasn't cut out to be a mom, but she also wasn't cut out to be abusive. 

"God no! Her parents hit her plenty. She worried she would too. As far as I know she never did. Why? Did you suddenly have a memory of that or something?" He looked concerned when he said this, but I could tell he was being honest. He didn't look away. Whatever my dad's faults, he is always ready to step up and make sure I am ok. 

Evan's mother, in the book, calls him a poo-sti, the greek word for the gay f word. 

I asked my husband what the Persian word for it is. He doesn't like to talk about those things. He wouldn't tell me. 

I asked him if his parents had ever hit him. He said "Yes, of course! Persian parents are tough." I made him promise he'd never do that to our kids. He said of course he wouldn't. He said they will have the happy, soft childhood I had, but with two parents. 

My husband has decided I need to read happier books! This one was pretty rough, but so beautiful and Evan is such an endearing character who just keeps going. I'd never have the guts to take one of my characters through such a rough story arc. It's just not part of my history. 

Thirsty Bears are after my husband!

First of all, Lukas is blowing up on Wattpad! I am so happy it is taking off. Please go read and vote for each chapter if you have the time and are bored. Please!! 

https://www.wattpad.com/story/193929654-lukas-the-lion

It is topping out in a few categories. Nothing super big, but still so exciting. 

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Today we went to the gym. We like this one in Orange where the cardio is facing the weights area all on one level. Most of the gyms have the cardio on one floor and the weights on another. 

This setup means he can do his weights and pop his head up to see me. It also means he isn't texting me every five minutes while I'm trying to run. 

Anyways!! So it was half empty when we went today and I was watching him do his routine while I was running. 

I notice these two bear gays come in. They start hovering around the weights then they spot my husband doing the pull-up bar. He looks AMAZING on the pull-up bar and his tank top slides up and his tummy is just the best. It's not a six pack right now, but it is very cute, especially with the waistband of his underwear showing as his shorts slide down.... yum. 

These guys start doing their weights, but they are staring him down like thirsty thirsty guys! Then he moved over to chest press and they follow and get a nearby machine. They were talking to each other, but watching him, probably discussing the dirty things they would want to do with my husband. 

It was funny to watch because my guy had no idea they were scoping him hard! I was watching with enjoyment until one of them took out his phone and discretely took some shots of him (I assumed that's what they were doing). 

I texted my husband to let him know. He looked up at me with a raised eyebrow and I pointed his attention towards them. He just laughed and then he went over and made friends with them. He helped them do some weights and they were drooling over him big time. 

We laughed about it on the way home. He never sees when guys just drool over him. 

I pointed out that if two guys were doing that to me he would have flown into a rage and stomped over to me to tear into them. 

"Of course I will protect you! But you have no need to be jealous for me." He was flattered that I got jealous. 

In his thinking there is no danger of him being flirted with, but it is not ok for me. In his thinking I am a helpless, defenseless little innocent who will be taken by a stronger man. He says he is capable of defending himself if someone tries to force themselves on him, but I am not. I must be protected and not bothered by evil men with dirty things in their heads.