Her

My dad moved to California two decades ago to follow my mom who was pregnant with me. She just kind of disappeared on him and then he found her with friends out here. That's what he's done since he was a freshman in high school, tried to find her and pin her down. She’s the love of his life, the one he can never get.

I don't have much to do with her. If you read Noah's Starship you know the story there. I spent my childhood with my dad over-compensating for her leaving and assuring me that it has nothing to do with me. He says he wanted me from the moment he found out she was pregnant and only followed her to get to me. He says a lot of things that good dads would say because he's a good dad and always has been. But I know he still looks for her and tries to talk to her.

He's always said I remind him of her. The way I look, the way I hide inside when I'm upset, the way I love an egg sandwich on sourdough bread with nothing on it.

He is in touch with some of her family, and he tries to find her through them. He says things like "Oh well "Emri" [my author name] got all A's on his report card (back when I was in school)" or "Emri's made the honor roll," etc... They pass it along to her or tell him how to get in touch with her and sometimes she responds. We have a very short, very awkward phone conversation and she just apologizes and I tell her it's fine, then he gets to talk to her.

It's been awhile though. But apparently she has resurfaced and he found her and of course me being engaged is something he “wants to share with her.” I don’t want her there and I don’t think she would ever come. She's never been weird about the gay thing. That's never been an issue.

Woah. I'm realizing this might be the root of my anxiety about AT (“Navid”) leaving. I know he isn't going to leave me, but... It's always somewhere in my head. He doesn't get upset with me when I bring it up. It's almost like he's surprised and assures me he's not going anywhere. My dad says he looks at me with the same look my dad has for my mom. Like I'm his the one. He’s very supportive of us.

I have to get over that… work through it… be a better me.

Where was I going with this? I don’t know. Here's a bunny in the snow.