Last night we argued. My husband would not say we argued, but I would. To him it was a little disagreement.
The last few days with his parents here he has been treating me really weird, like some special toddler with no sense. I was trying to just ignore it and be patient with him since I know he has a lot going on and is stressed out trying to get his parents settled.
The last straw was at a BBQ restaurant where they ordered meat and sides for the family to share and then he got me a kid's meal with a little plastic cup of juice with a lid on it and cartoon characters.
I was going to just let it go because I do like chicken strips with bbq sauce, but then he kept on with it saying "I got you the drink with lid so you don't spill." Then later he said: "You like your meal? It does not come with a toy, but I buy you one later if you finish eating, ok, baby?" He said these things so his parents could hear and made comments in their language which I'm sure were even more patronizing since I wouldn't understand them. I didn't say anything, just fumed quietly not wanting to argue with him in front of his family.
When we got back to the room. We were supposed to rest a little then go out to drive around the neighborhoods with the two houses his parents are deciding between so we could see them at night and also look at Christmas lights and get hot chocolate.
I told him I was just going to stay in the room instead of going with them and he said no I need to go and his parents enjoy me being there.
I told him "I'm mad at you and I don't want to fight in front of them! I'm staying here."
He said, "You are mad at me? Ok then I will stay here with you and be mad at me too. If my boy is upset then I cannot leave." Like it was a joke.
Then his dad knocked on the door between the rooms and opened it to ask if we were ready to go.
Husband told him "No, we are mad at me for being mean to Emi so we stay here and be mad at me together."
His dad said, "He is annoyed because you are acting strange with him and treating him like a baby! You are not paying attention to his feelings! You are being an ass." [His dad totally got it.]
Husband looked surprised like he hadn't realized it at all. I told them to just go without me and I wanted to rest. Husband said "I am not leaving while you are upset."
His dad gave us some time to talk it out. Husband said he hadn't realized I was upset and he was treating me like that so I wouldn't feel left out and ignored since they are mostly speaking in Farsi. He also said that his brothers' wives don't get along well with his parents but both his parents love me a lot so he was showing them he takes good care of me.
I guess in his twisted thinking it was his way of showing affection and attention.
So sorry, I love your father in law. Z orders for me but not off the kid's menu since I was in high school.
ReplyDeleteHe usually only gets me kids meal stuff if we are getting take out and it's just the two of us. This time we were dining there and with his parents. I know I don't eat much, but I could have just had some of the family style order he got for him, the parents, and brother. It was like he was making a point to show I was not equal to them. He was doing it with other stuff, and it just kind of built up to me getting angry. We are better now.
DeleteDefinitely annoying. I think I REALLY like your father-in-law. The good news is that your in-laws obviously like you.
ReplyDeleteDid they choose a house?
Yes! They found one in an area that didn't flood. It is pretty and newer. Everything is so clean and nice and new. It is the opposite of LA. haha.
DeleteMy father-in-law is good. He has always told me I need to stand up to A. and not let him steamroll me like Persian men can do. I know he talked to him in Farsi after I talked with him. I didn't want to drag him into it. A. wasn't upset with me though. He didn't realize he'd been annoying me.
Good for them. Smart to stay on higher ground. I was in the city a few weeks after the big flood of 2017. Areas of town that had never flooded were hit hard. Fortunately, none of my family suffered damage, but I have friends who had to be rescued from their second floor.
DeleteHouston has a great standard of living. Plus, there are wonderful grocery stores. I miss HEB. They have fantastic produce. Even the bananas are better. How do you make a banana taste better? Lol.
I think your father-in-law is partially correct when he says you should stand up to your husband more often. That is a masculine reaction. You are the feminine side of this equation. From my point of view, I think you are much more in control than you realize and need to use the power of positive reinforcement to train your husband to accommodate your needs. Everything you have said about him leads me to believe he would do anything for you. You are probably correct to save direct confrontations for extreme instances. You can attract more bees with honey, and you are the honey pot. I don't mean that you should use sex. When he does what you like, reward him with smiles, kisses, and by telling him what a good provider he is. Pretend he is a dog and lavish him with praise and scratches behind his ears. Consistency is the key. This is also called using gratitude to multiply your desires. Feel grateful for all that you have and all that you love about your husband, until you are so emotionally charged that tears come to your eyes, and you will hardly have to think about using this method to train him to meet your desires. This method always works on a good man (every time, without fail), and I believe you have a good one. If he catches on and accuses you of treating him like a dog, never admit anything, tell him he is much too smart for that kind of thing, and keep right on with the positive reinforcement.
What a great response Brad! I do believe you are right. I'll bet his husband does realize the power he has, and by treating him like a child, he minimizes the power.
DeleteWhen my guy does something I don't agree with or that confuses me, I always wait until we are home alone. Living with an Arab alpha male has really opened my eyes and our friend Emri has helped me a lot.
He responds a lot to that stuff. Sometimes I forget to show appreciation for the way he takes care of things. I also know he gets super jealous for my attention, especially when there are other men around.
DeleteI know his dad is pretty hard on him too, especially with treating me right and being mindful that I am naturally a quiet person who easily gives in to what he wants. Their culture is a lot more outspoken with what they want, and especially his family. If someone is quiet then it is assumed they are just going along with things.
And it is really important to argue with him quietly and out of sight of others, especially his family. It makes him look like he does not know his love when disagreements come out in front of the family. It is the man's job (in his mind) to know what the weaker one wants and desires. But with our current hotel situation it is hard to keep anything from his family. We are better today. :)
Wow Emri! Sajid always orders for me at restaurants, but never off the kid's menu. I'm not sure how I would take that. I love his dad's comment though and he obviously saw what your husband did not.
ReplyDeleteYour husband is trying to make a good impression, but maybe trying too hard? I don't know...
I think you are right. He is trying to show that he takes care of me, plus he is super stressed right now with trying to run his business back in LA while being here and helping his family get settled.
DeleteThat’s a bit extreme. I don’t get why making you seem like a child would impress them. I guess some people act weird when they are under stress?
ReplyDeleteYour FIL helped it sounds like. But it’s always uncomfortable when other family gets sucked into an argument like that.
It does seem extreme. It's a different culture. In Iran the husband is much more of a father to the "wife" and is responsible for her. For some reason this came out in weird ways since he is stressed. I don't get it either. But things are better today.
DeleteYour blog is so interesting. I have worked with Pakistanis but other than that there doesn’t seem to be many Middle Easterners in my area. But I lived near Dearborn for awhile and there are a lot of Muslims there. But it’s all new to me as far as the type of things you blog about.
DeleteEnjoy the rest of your trip:)