Be with you...

I have been having some weird dreams and memories lately. 

The other night I dreamed that I was a 3 year old child of me and my husband and sitting in a car seat in the back of a giant SUV. I was eating cheerios and we were on a road trip to somewhere and I watched my parents (my husband and me) all happy in the front seat. Persian dad (my husband) kept looking back at me every few seconds. Pretty weird. There were other, older boys in the car too. I guess they were my brothers. 

Then today I came across a song on youtube I hadn't heard in forever. My dad used to make CDs of different songs for my mom. They did have some happy times. I remember being in the back of a car in my car seat and seeing them happy before she left. This was one of the songs he used to play and they'd sing along (terribly) together... My dad worked so hard to keep her happy. 

Anyways! So my mother-in-law and brother-in-law are coming Wednesday. Thursday I get to go off with them without my husband. It's kind of weird to think that I haven't gone outside of this apartment building without him as my escort since I was in on-campus classes. That was 8 months ago! I don't drive and he doesn't let me wander on my own and there isn't anywhere I need to go for school. 

We are going to take a Lyft to Beverly Hills so she can do some shopping and then The Grove so his brother doesn't get too bored... I want us to have lunch on that strip in Los Feliz (Lowss FEE-liss) along Hillhurst. It's so pretty and there are good restaurants. my husband says she likes Turkish food and there is a little place there that looks good. Plus it's a fun street to walk and people watch. 

**[Lukas Update]**

Ok I am finally feeling like getting back to  Chapter 20 of Lukas. I realized I was missing out on the personal connection between Mr. Khorasani and his "target." I needed to go back and build it some more. I'm feeling it now. He approaches things differently than Ari would. He isn't the moonstruck love like Ari and he isn't the predator-trainer like his brother. 

Mr. K is first and foremost a daddy in the true sense that he wants to see a boy become a man... not a boy become a princess or a man become a puppy or... the way the other men in this series approach their targets. 

Lastly... I love this song... played it on repeat too many times today. Beautiful video too. I love when A comes home and he's talking on the phone with his earbuds in his ears and he just comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and puts his nose into my neck. It's the best feeling in the world. He is usually on the phone when he comes home :) 

Saturday at home.

What a crazy week! Last night we had friends over and then we were supposed to go to a party, but before 9 my husband was yawning. They went out to a party and we went to bed and wound down early. He worked hard this week. 

This morning we woke up early and went to work out then got breakfast at Starbucks. Time for a lazy Saturday. He is watching a sci-fi show and working on reports. I'm pretending to be into his show and looking up fun things to do with his mom and brother, because.... 

We found out yesterday that his mom and brother are coming to visit. Apparently their new house finishing is taking longer than expected. His mom wants to come see us and his brother has never been to California. Husband will be working during the week which means I will be here to entertain them and work on my school stuff. The semester just started so it isn't much. 

The coolest thing was that my husband actually set down the phone when his mother called and he asked me, "Are you ok with her coming? Will she disturb your schoolwork?" 

It was so sweet. It was a big step for him. In the past, he would have just made the plan and told me later. He would have assumed that I wanted whatever he planned. It was really cool of him to ask me. 

I told him yes it would be great to see her. He was so happy to tell her that. He wants happiness between his "two important loves." I told him later how nice it was that he included me in the decision. I am trying to heavily reward when he does things like that since some of you suggested I try that more. He got a very nice reward when he was too sleepy last night but wanted to have together time. He's a happy guy... 

I'll be back!

I took a break from writing. I didn't intend to, but it happened! 

I think after our vacation, it kind of hit me how real things are. Like yes I am really married and part of this big Persian family. And yes, I am expected to be the supportive house-husband and now that his parents are in the country, his mom is kind of pressuring me to step up in my care for her son. 

I facetime with his dad a lot and now even more since we are much closer in time zones. Sometimes he calls when he knows A is at work and I am home alone. A few times, my mother-in-law has made comments through him asking if I am trying the recipes she sent with me (she had them translated into English), or asking if I am hosting dinner parties at our home for A's clients, and adding a personal touch to help him with his business. She asked which dry cleaner I use for his suits (Like she knows the dry cleaners in Los Angeles??). She wanted to know if they are Persian or Armenian since those are "the best ones" to use. My father-in-law laughed and shook his head at that. 

My husband told me to just smile, tell her yes, and thank her for her help. He says not to worry about actually taking any of her "suggestions." But still it kind of bugs me. Like there is this undertone there that I am not taking care of her son like she expects. He says it's not like that. He says she is bored in this new country and treating me like she does with his brothers' wives. He says it is a compliment that she accepts me and isn't weird about us or treating me badly. He said she always tells him what a good and sweet boy I am and how blessed he is to have me. I don't know if that's true... but I'll take it. 

Ok about Lukas! I am halfway through chapter 20. I need to just do it. I am thinking about what to write next. Readers have urged me to venture off of my normal small white boy finds hunky Arab dom... I can try... I guess. 

home buddies

What a week! He’s brought me with him to work three days this week. He says it’s because spring semester hasn’t started yet so he doesn’t want me home alone getting into trouble... but really I know he just likes having me with him as his assistant. Plus it lets him use the carpool lane on the freeways.  He said he missed just being the two of us since last week he had to attend to his parents and brother. He missed hanging out with me.

I never get over that feeling that someone wants me around all the time. He says that a lot and every time it makes my heart twist. Sometimes I feel guilty for not always feeling the same. Sometimes I need some alone time. I love him more than anyone, but sometimes I need to just be with my thoughts or my art or my workouts. He doesn't understand that.

I think that's because when he has me with him he is himself plus his boy. When I am with him, I am his boy. That's kind of hard to explain. It's not that I'm not me, it's that his being, his personality, his essence is kind of overwhelming, like a bandwagon people can't help but get caught up in.

Mostly I just hang out on my phone or keep him entertained while he drives. We have a lot of good talks, but also good silence where he just reaches over to hold my hand while we inch along in traffic. He’s a really busy guy and I see how much he crams into his workday so he can be free at home and relax with me.

I’m trying to finish chapter 20 of Lukas, but it’s going slowly. I have a totally hot setup! I know what I want them to do, but it’s coming out cheesy and I don’t like it so I delete and backtrack and try another door.

Usually my best writing happens when I have a lot in my head with schoolwork and life pressures. This week has had none of that so my brain doesn’t escape into the story world I’m creating. Like there’s no reason to wander there. It’s been a good week for unwinding and pleasing my husband, but not for writing.

The weather has been so beautiful! I just want to lay in the sunshine. I missed California...

Going Home

Last night after dinner and helping his mom clean up the kitchen, I found my Persian in the bedroom where we are staying. He usually hangs out on the couch with his dad and brother after dinner, but he was working on his laptop. 

He asked how I'm doing and I told him I'm good but also ready to be back home. He sat up and set down his laptop and said he has been ready to go home for a few days. He moved up our flights so we are heading home today. We are flying late, but my dad will pick us up. 

It's dark and cold and has been raining a lot here. Dad said that LA had storms last night and is cold too, but the sun will come out. It always does. 

I haven't been doing much writing here. His family isn't big on privacy and I need quiet, alone time to really get going on it. 

I know exactly what I want to do with the final chapter but writing in little spurts makes the story all disconnected and important details get lost. Lukas deserves a better sendoff. I know I can find time when we get home. 

Persian says he misses my healthier, smaller meals. He has been indulging a lot here. I actually like him with a few extra pounds, but it makes him self conscious. Sometimes we forget that these all-powerful alphas can be sensitive about their bodies too. 

He has been doing a good job about fending off his mother's attempts at overfeeding me. He knows I will try to stave her off but then give in and then later not keep it down and that's not good. There is a nice gym here and we have been going, but he goofs off with his little brother instead of focusing on his plan. 

I miss walking around the house in shorts and a tank. Here he likes me covered and wearing things that aren't too tight. He says his parents are modest and traditional. BUT he feels free to walk around wearing just a pair of gym shorts! 

I pointed that out to him and he said it's not the same because he is not a beautiful boy people want to look at. He says when we get home we can send my dad on vacation and have a naked day at home together. 

I love this shirt but he would never let me wear it out

He also said he misses our evenings with him working at the table while I make food and clean and pester him with questions and funny youtube videos and demands for playtime like a pet (This is his list, not mine! hah). 

Their new house should be finished when we come back so we can help them move-in in late February. 

Jumuah!

One thing about my husband, a very traditional Persian man, is that he doesn't involve me in his religion and he never tries to teach me his language. I've never understood that, but it's his choice of course. Sometimes I do catch him praying over me when he thinks I am asleep and he does do his prayers in our bedroom. 

This morning his dad said I am looking healthy and should go with them to Friday afternoon prayers with them. 

Husband said something in their language and his dad answered in English, "You are fine, right? You want to come with us, no?" to me. 

I had no idea what was going on so I just looked at A and slid closer against his chest and he put his arm around me. 

Then his dad switched back to Farsi and they started going back and forth. I asked A about it when it was over and he quickly took me back to our room. I remembered way back when he first moved me in with him and he had told his parents I was a wayward boy who needed help and he was teaching me Islam. I had forgotten all about that. He said he has told them I am Christian but wanting to learn about it and he does the child stuff with me. 

Apparently when a child isn't old enough to really get into the religion then you teach them these child prayers and guide them and stuff. Supposedly he has been doing that with me! his parents readily accepted that as a way to understand why he would get a townhouse and move me in with him. 

He said if I go to the Persian service his dad wants to go to this afternoon then I will be looked at and seen as an outsider. He said his dad will keep me close under his arm and explain that I am his. He said it's ok if I don't want to go. I told him I will do what he wants me to do. 

I don't want to be the one to cause problems between him and his dad and as much as I want to please his father, I am married to A and he is the one who should be making this choice and not putting me between his will and his father's. I belong to him and it is his responsibility to work things out with his father without involving me and causing friction. He likes when I remind him of his husband duties. It's one of the perks of marrying a traditional man bound to his culture. He decided I would go with them. 

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It was interesting! I had no idea what was going on! We had to take our shoes off and wash our feet and hands and face and everything. We stood and then knelt and then leaned down and then back up and then down and then up and then down and said things in Arabic. His dad told me what to say and I repeated it but I'm sure I totally effed it up, he kept smiling and encouraging me. After a long time of the up and down we knelt and the imam in the front gave a speech in Arabic. 

I wore long khaki pants and a long-sleeved polo shirt. When I was washing up, my husband knelt in front of me and rolled up the cuffs of my pants above the ankles. He said it is more respectful that way. His dad gave me some beads to hold during the service. My husband has a few nice sets at home. He keeps some in his car too. 

I was between him and his father. Whenever someone approached us his father immediately spoke to them in their language so no one said a word to me other than a polite nod. I did get stares, but I think it was because I was the one white kid in a room full of darker men. It was all men too! The women do their own thing separately. 

I think I did ok. I did get distracted by seeing the underwear bands of the two hot guys in front of us... I felt dirty for that. haha. 

I could tell husband was anxious the whole time. I don't know why he doesn't want to discuss it with me. But that's his choice I guess. I personally think he is eager to be americanized. He doesn't talk about taking our future kids there. He doesn't talk much about raising them like that. When he does, he seems to go back and forth on it. 

Thursday Thoughts

Things are calming down here. His dad went to his first day of work today. My husband is off shopping with his mom for things so I am getting some writing done on the last Lukas chapter. 

I did not make it to midnight for NYE. I am a morning person. We have this tradition where we make new year's vows to each other. We go one at a time and share. We did the usual ones about putting each other first. He promised to check in more with me instead of assuming I agree with him. I promised to speak up more and tell him how I feel. 

He had a funny one, "I promise to keep better care of my ear hair so you do not yank them from me!" 

I said "That sounds more like you're asking me to stop yanking weird hairs when I find them and I just can't commit to that!" 

He said "You love to bring me pain, no?" I do I do. 

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There is so much food in this house. His mom keeps making things and trying out American recipes. Husband has reminded her several times that I don't eat like a "regular boy." She keeps trying to feed me and seems surprised I don't have an appetite to match her sons (husband and his brother). 

It's interesting because his father treats me like a daughter but his mom treats me like a son. I mean that in the ways that their culture seems to view genders where the boys are viewed differently from the girls. 

His dad said he likes how I am growing my hair out on top (I keep it trimmed close on the side when we go for haircuts, but my husband likes something to play with). I have just enough to pull it back in a short ponytail. Husband doesn't want it cut up there. 

I would love to do something intricate with it on top, but husband likes to play with it too much. He always messes it up when we're sitting and I'm under his arm. He says we can braid it into a leash for him to pull, but he is already too rough on it when we're having together time. 

We are heading home next week. He has been doing his work remotely but needs to be back in LA to make things work. I know we will be visiting Texas pretty often. I love it here but I miss LA sunshine. This cold rainy weather was fun at first but it is really depressing when you are used to daily sunshine.