I am the worst. :(

I was such a dick to my dad today. It was accidental, but just being thoughtless. I hate hurting his feelings. It's like a punch in the heart. I'd rather let A. [fiancee] down than upset my father. 

So A. [fiancee] is getting us new phones and I was complaining because every year he has to upgrade and I have things just like I like them on my phone. I don't like figuring out new things. So we were talking about it and he joked that maybe he should get me the phone I had when we first met. It had a crack on the screen and chips on the sides and back. It was held together with stickers and hope. 

So I laughed and said, "That phone was so gross!" Then we laughed about it and I noticed my dad wasn't laughing. 

I stopped laughing and dad said, "It was the best I could afford." 

I felt like a total dick. 

For my 16th birthday my dad hit a rough financial time and well... my present was kind of just a party at our place with my friends and pizza and a cake I made from a box mix. He felt so awful about it and promised he'd get me something really special as soon as he could. He was just barely making rent. I told him it was ok and the next few months he kept asking me what I wanted. I told him to save it for Christmas and it was ok, not to worry. Every time we'd hear about a birthday or see a commercial with a birthday in it or a show, he'd bring it up again. 

I remember worrying about him. He worked so hard and life in LA is so expensive. Every time I needed something he would come up with a way to pay for it. Every time I found out about a concert or a trip or something my friends were doing that cost money, I'd come up with some excuse and never even bring it up to him. I knew he would sacrifice, find a way to scratch up some money to send me on it. He never wanted me to miss out, never wanted me to feel poor. I couldn't put him through that. 

He did everything he could to give me the best childhood and he'll never understand how just the fact that he loved me and accepted me as I was is the greatest thing anyone can do for their kid. He didn't try to pressure me to be something I wasn't and he never let me feel bad about being too quiet, too soft, too gay, too me. 

I always knew he gave me the best he could. I tried to be the best kid. I got the best grades and never once got in serious trouble. I was always so afraid they would call him and he'd have to miss work and go down there and fix me. I never wanted to see that look of disappointment. 

A week before Christmas hit, he gave me a box and told me to open it early. I wanted to wait, but he had the biggest goofiest grin on his face. He finally told me that if I didn't open it, he would. I remember that look in his eyes when he watched me. It made him so happy that he could come through for me with something I really wanted. 

Of course by now you've guessed what was in it. He had saved up and gotten my grandmother to chip in some so he could get me a "real nice phone." I screamed when I opened it. It was brand new and no one had ever used it before. It was the coolest thing ever. 

All my friends had better phones, but I totally didn't care. It was mine. I spent a good month with my earphones in listening to music anytime I could get on wifi (data was a low limit back then). I knew he'd spent more than he could, and everyone else got pretty cheap gifts from him that Christmas. But my family must have known. Everyone was happy for me and made a big deal out of it even though they had nicer phones. 

I thought back to when I started dating A. [fiancee] and pretty early on he upgraded my phone to an iPhone with all the latest stuff. I tossed that old phone pretty quickly and I wonder if it upset my dad. He never said anything about it. He was happy A. had gotten me the new one. I wish I'd kept it though. 

I told my dad I was sorry. I told him how nice it was when he got that for me. I hugged him. He did what he always does when I hurt his feelings. He shrugged it off and hugged me back and gave me a wink to say it's all good. 

It really upset me though that I could make such a stupid comment without thinking about how hard he worked to do something nice for me. It made me really glad that he is going to move in with us and I get to spend more time with him. It's weird when you hit that age where you think about your dad as a real person instead of the guy who you go to for everything you want or need. I wonder how many times I hurt his feelings and he just shrugged it off and loved me extra hard. I hope I can make it up to him. I'm glad A. treats him with such care and respect too.

I will do better...