OC on hold

Well... 

Our new house down in Orange County is almost finished with the renovations. We're supposed to move down there in May when my classes are finished, and my dad is going to move in a few weeks when his lease is up. Except... 

A realtor friend of A [the husband] was showing a couple a house for sale near our new house. He asked A. if he could show them our house to get ideas on how they could fix up the house they are looking at since it is the same floor plan and the other house hasn't been touched. A. agreed and they loved it. Like they REALLY loved it. They liked the quieter street and the color choices and all the fixtures we picked out. 

They liked it so much that they asked if we'd be willing to sell it. A. said they are offering enough to cover what we paid for it plus the renovations and a "pretty good" profit. He said he would have to talk to me about it first. 

That's a huge step. I was surprised. Like he rarely ever talks about financial stuff with me. He said that we're married now so everything has to be agreed upon by both of us. He said he bought the house for me and he won't even consider it if I don't want him to. He's had me sign things so my name is on our accounts instead of just his. It's weird because I always just used his name for everything like I didn't really exist outside of him. It feels weird to see my name on things, like I'm a grown up. 

I told him I'm ok with whatever he thinks is best. He said with the profit we could upgrade to a better neighborhood and we can ask for more money since we're in no hurry to move. He said they are motivated to do it quickly and they said they fell in love with the house. I asked if he told them that we'd had sex on the floor of it. He just laughed.  

So he said he will negotiate with them and see how much they want to spend. 

If it goes through then we start looking again at houses. It also means my dad would move in here with us for awhile. I'm ok with that. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

This might be a little too dirty, sorry! It's what the last few days in bed have been like. 

Eyes Open

Husband sitting on the bed in his suit and tie with laptop pounding out an email. He looks down at me pitifully and adjusts the blanket up under my chin. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

Light coming in through the curtains, husband gone, note taped to the iPad saying "Back at 5:00, bringing soup, do not leave bedroom, do not clean house." I watch a dumb show on the iPad and fall back asleep. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

Husband is behind me wearing just a pair of boxers. TV is showing some soccer game. I reach over him to get remote and turn it off. He stirs, gives me medicine and demands I eat soup. He sits up with me and turns the game back on until I fall asleep again. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

Husband is again behind me, holding me. TV is still on but this time he has put the remote out of my reach so I don't turn it off. He's a quick learner. I turn to face his chest and slide my hands down his back and grab his butt. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

He's taking off my shirt and I look down to see he already has my briefs off. 

"You want to do it?" I asked sleepily as he slid the shirt off my arms. 

"No sex, I make you bubble tub." He lifted me off the bed and carries me to the bathroom. He had the iPad setup on the edge with a tv show cued up (Marvel Runaways! So good!). He stripped off his clothes and we spent a long time in the overly bubbled tub watching a show and soaking while he washed me. He didn't complain when I went to touch his butt. :) 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

My head is on his chest and he's um... pleasuring himself while watching a video he took of us on his phone. If his phone ever gets hacked, I'll have a porn career. I just watch him until he finishes. It's so sweet that he's getting off to us. I love him. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

He's on the phone again, laptop open, looking up some property info and sweet-talking a client. He gives me that pitiful look again and reaches for more medicine. 

Eyes Closed... Eyes Open

I wake him up. It's dark outside, maybe morning, maybe evening. I have to get out of here. 

"Is 4 in the AM, my love. Nowhere is open and drunks are out on the highway. We rest," he yawned. He pulls me into his chest and I lay there listening to his heartbeat until the sun came up. I'm way too into my own head and my thoughts got dark. Finally he stirs again. He shuffles off to the bathroom and I hear him streaming into the toilet. 

"Please," I begged when he came back in. 

"Yeah yeah, ok." He pulls on a sweatshirt and joggers then helps me bundle up. He gave me my morning medicine then we drove around on empty streets seeing what's open. He ran into Western Bagel and got us sandwiches and hot tea then just drove along Mulholland listening to Persian music until I coughed and he decided we'd had enough. We did go to the drug store and he got me more supplies and another clearance Valentine's day stuffed animal (this one was a gorilla holding a heart. He insisted I pick one). 

So that's been my only excitement the last few days.. Rite Aid and Western Bagel. 

Here's Bagel Brad for you Non-LA peeps: 

In Sickness and Tatoos...

I've been sick off and on for the last few weeks. Like it goes away then comes back. This week it got bad so A.[husband] took me to a specialist (Persian of course). He took blood, swabs, all kinds of stuff. Yesterday we found out I have this weird virus I can't pronounce. He joked that it mostly shows up in animals. 

A. got my prescriptions and this specialized sinus rinse along with a big red stuffed heart from the day after Valentine's clearance. He helped me rinse out my sinuses and then he put me facing him in his lap and held me while I bent backwards for my sinuses to empty. We found some interesting things hiding out in there. I'll be ok. It just has to work its way through my system and I could get pneumonia if we don't take care of it. The doctor said my immune system is low because my weight is low. So of course now A. is trying to feed me a bunch and I have zero appetite.  He did get the Persian grilled chicken and rice I like. I had some for lunch and he's bringing home soup for dinner. 

I got really cold and my whole body was shaking so he put me in bed and held me until the meds kicked in. He joked that of course I would get an animal virus since I'm his p*****boy. He rubbed me until I fell asleep. 

We also did the paperwork to register our marriage this week and change my name and stuff. I'll get a new state ID and he's having it with the new address on it for when we move into the house in Orange County. 

I am OBSESSED with these wedding ring finger tattoos! I'm demanding we do it, but A is dead set against any marking of our bodies. I would either want a simple ring around our ring fingers made up of the rainbow flag colors like since we're gay and all. He frowned at that. OR!!! We could get each other's names in cursive wrapped around the ring finger. It could be first and last to go around. His name on me and my name on him. Our rings would cover most of it if we do it small enough. 

How cool would that be?? He made me swear I wouldn't do it unless he was with me and agreed to it. Of course I wouldn't do it alone without him doing it too. He says it would be sinful to mark such a perfect boy. I think his religion is against tattoos of any kind probably. He doesn't like to use the muslim card with me. 

It's weird like he doesn't talk about me becoming his religion. I don't really have a religion. I told him I want our kids to have it and for him to teach it to them and maybe even take them to a mosque and stuff. He got happy about that. He said he wasn't sure how I would feel about it. I told him they should have some kind of something since it's part of his culture and part of who we are. 

Back to bed. How sad am I? Friday afternoon and all I can do is hide under my comforter and rest. 

We got married

We got married this weekend. It was unplanned. Well, it's been in the planning for way too long now... He wanted something big and crazy. We were supposed to be planning it for awhile now and he kept pushing me to make choices and decide on things and I kept putting it off... It got to be too much. He got kind of upset with me and said he didn't care what we did so long as we did it soon. Then he told me we should just do it. 

I'm definitely going to have to write a chapter of Noah about it. 

It was so crazy and perfect and just a small group of people we wanted. A client of his offered his house with this crazy view of the ocean from a hillside in Palos Verdes. Then, everyone we wanted there had no plans so we took it as a sign and just did it. 

The craziest part was the letter he gave me from his mom. It was all in Persian of course, but he read it to me. It was a letter to his future wife about all the things I should know about him and then a list of things the Quran says a wife should expect from her husband. The letter was really beautiful. I'll have to put that in the Noah chapter even though I'll probably get a million comments from people saying how horrible it is. 

He said it obviously was meant for a female but his mom said he had her blessing to give it to me since I am his chosen mate. The funny thing is that it's seen as a more traditional culture but yet she told me how he needs to be stood up to and don't let him get away with certain things that I often let him get away with. 

She said he needs to help out with the house more and she was sorry for not making him do more of that when he was growing up. They had a housekeeper who took care of things and he never learned to do for himself. She said he needs to be put in his place sometimes or he will be too pushy and take me for granted. That's an argument we've had a few times. She said that he is more sensitive than he lets on and to be gentle with his heart. She said he needs someone who will argue with him and not let him get away with being a master. She said I have rights and I need to insist on them and remind him of what his faith says he is to be as a husband. 

She said to not be afraid to push him because he doesn't commit easily so when he finally settles on someone  he will be very loyal, very protective, and very stubborn that it is forever. She said to be patient with him, that even when he does something I disagree with he is coming from a place of love and he will always put my heart first. She said that she has always been proud of him and she knows he will make a wonderful husband and father. There was more. I'll put it in the chapter. 

When he was reading the harsher comments and translating it for me he kept saying "That's not true!" I just laughed. It's all him and all mine. 

So now I have to get my name changed and new ID and stuff. We decided on his last name instead of mine or both. I like his name, my name, our name. 

I am the worst. :(

I was such a dick to my dad today. It was accidental, but just being thoughtless. I hate hurting his feelings. It's like a punch in the heart. I'd rather let A. [fiancee] down than upset my father. 

So A. [fiancee] is getting us new phones and I was complaining because every year he has to upgrade and I have things just like I like them on my phone. I don't like figuring out new things. So we were talking about it and he joked that maybe he should get me the phone I had when we first met. It had a crack on the screen and chips on the sides and back. It was held together with stickers and hope. 

So I laughed and said, "That phone was so gross!" Then we laughed about it and I noticed my dad wasn't laughing. 

I stopped laughing and dad said, "It was the best I could afford." 

I felt like a total dick. 

For my 16th birthday my dad hit a rough financial time and well... my present was kind of just a party at our place with my friends and pizza and a cake I made from a box mix. He felt so awful about it and promised he'd get me something really special as soon as he could. He was just barely making rent. I told him it was ok and the next few months he kept asking me what I wanted. I told him to save it for Christmas and it was ok, not to worry. Every time we'd hear about a birthday or see a commercial with a birthday in it or a show, he'd bring it up again. 

I remember worrying about him. He worked so hard and life in LA is so expensive. Every time I needed something he would come up with a way to pay for it. Every time I found out about a concert or a trip or something my friends were doing that cost money, I'd come up with some excuse and never even bring it up to him. I knew he would sacrifice, find a way to scratch up some money to send me on it. He never wanted me to miss out, never wanted me to feel poor. I couldn't put him through that. 

He did everything he could to give me the best childhood and he'll never understand how just the fact that he loved me and accepted me as I was is the greatest thing anyone can do for their kid. He didn't try to pressure me to be something I wasn't and he never let me feel bad about being too quiet, too soft, too gay, too me. 

I always knew he gave me the best he could. I tried to be the best kid. I got the best grades and never once got in serious trouble. I was always so afraid they would call him and he'd have to miss work and go down there and fix me. I never wanted to see that look of disappointment. 

A week before Christmas hit, he gave me a box and told me to open it early. I wanted to wait, but he had the biggest goofiest grin on his face. He finally told me that if I didn't open it, he would. I remember that look in his eyes when he watched me. It made him so happy that he could come through for me with something I really wanted. 

Of course by now you've guessed what was in it. He had saved up and gotten my grandmother to chip in some so he could get me a "real nice phone." I screamed when I opened it. It was brand new and no one had ever used it before. It was the coolest thing ever. 

All my friends had better phones, but I totally didn't care. It was mine. I spent a good month with my earphones in listening to music anytime I could get on wifi (data was a low limit back then). I knew he'd spent more than he could, and everyone else got pretty cheap gifts from him that Christmas. But my family must have known. Everyone was happy for me and made a big deal out of it even though they had nicer phones. 

I thought back to when I started dating A. [fiancee] and pretty early on he upgraded my phone to an iPhone with all the latest stuff. I tossed that old phone pretty quickly and I wonder if it upset my dad. He never said anything about it. He was happy A. had gotten me the new one. I wish I'd kept it though. 

I told my dad I was sorry. I told him how nice it was when he got that for me. I hugged him. He did what he always does when I hurt his feelings. He shrugged it off and hugged me back and gave me a wink to say it's all good. 

It really upset me though that I could make such a stupid comment without thinking about how hard he worked to do something nice for me. It made me really glad that he is going to move in with us and I get to spend more time with him. It's weird when you hit that age where you think about your dad as a real person instead of the guy who you go to for everything you want or need. I wonder how many times I hurt his feelings and he just shrugged it off and loved me extra hard. I hope I can make it up to him. I'm glad A. treats him with such care and respect too.

I will do better... 

Super Me

A. [the fiancee]... I should just call him Navid like I do in the stories. Or is that too weird? I never know. Anyways, today we had his friends over for the super bowl (they're still downstairs, but I lost interest). His friends are enjoying it. I hear them yelling every few minutes. 

He was so sweet this morning helping me make the food for the party. We got up early and went to the grocery store and got a ton of food and alcohol. He helped me make stuff. It was funny watching him try to figure things out. I had to direct him a little, but he's a good chopper. 

We talked this morning at the grocery store about me getting a driver's license. I know how to drive, kind of. I took the class and had my permit and I even had a license for a few months before we got together. When we got serious though, my dad noticed that I never drove since A. picked me up and took me to school and back. The insurance payments were crazy for me, and my dad and A. decided it would be better if I just gave it up. 

My dad gave me the choice. He said if I wanted to keep it I could, but I knew that $1,800 a year just for a decorative license was kind of a steep price tag for my dad. I didn't get any tickets or anything, but guys under 25 are costly. A. said he had no problem taking me where I need to go if my dad was unavailable, and it's not like I liked driving anyways. So I traded it in for a simple state ID card and my dad got to take me off the insurance. 

But we are moving to a much more spread out place and there won't be a hospital and grocery store just down the street. It's a place where you kind of need a car for emergencies, and eventually when we have kids I will have to have a car for things. 

He suggested we buy a second car just to have and get one that is more fun than his car. His car is for clients. It's a superluxe big Lexus that looks like a successful business guy should have. When we get kids, we'll need something like an SUV, but he said we could get something smaller and sportier until then. 

I know what he's doing. He misses his old car. He had an older sports car that was dirty and a little banged up, but it was super fast and fun. I remember feeling so cool being in that car with him, mostly just because I was him. But he would get so excited showing me what it could do. We'd go all over LA in it and he loved it like it was his child. We used to find secluded places to park and um... explore each other.

He showed me the world in that car and I could see how hurt he was when his boss suggested he go for the Lexus, a family sedan with more safety features and class for his clients. 

He wouldn't let me drive that of course, but there would always be at least one of the cars at home for emergencies. He knows I can't drive a stickshift unless he teaches me. I told him I'd be ok with an old used corolla like the one my grandmother let me use. He looked horrified! :) 

"My baby in a Corolla? Never!" 

Sometimes I need a daddy... Sometimes I need a partner.

I'm not the most mature person. I try to be. I do. 

This morning A [the fiancee] was on the phone, talking in Persian in his headset, and he brought in some boxes from his car and I followed him up to the guest room which is kind of his little man-cave/prayer room. He unfolded a box and started putting stuff in it. He was packing up. 

"I put some things to take to new house this week," he whispered and covered his headpiece. 

It hit me like right in the chest. This move is real. Everything I know is going to be taken. He filled the box with some DVDs and books and little odds and ends then he folded the top and left the room, still on his phone. He gave me a little pet on the chest and kissed my cheek and left. I looked at the pile of folded boxes and got really upset. 

I took a box and went to our bedroom and started putting our pictures in it. They're the ones on top of the chest of drawers, one of them is digital and swipes through the pictures he loaded into it. I put in some lighter things, a few towels and some sheets I don't like. I filled the box and then I went to our closet and got some hanging clothes. I put those on top of the box and went downstairs. 

He was pacing around, talking in Persian and laughing until he saw me. A stopped and looked at me like I was crazy. I went past him and went to get his car keys and he followed me out to the garage. He kept reaching to help me with what I was carrying and made mouth motions like "What? Emri? What?" I kept jerking away from him and struggling with the stuff and his keys. 

First I dropped the keys, and then when I was reaching for them the box slipped and landed on the garage floor. I hugged the hanging shirts, backed against the garage wall, slid down to my knees and started crying. My sinuses are still recovering so I unintentionally used one of my new shirts as a tissue. He quickly hung up the phone and knelt in front of me. 

It felt like a really bad panic attack, like someone was pressing the air out of me. He looked totally confused and tried to comfort me. In between sobs I told him I can't do this. I told him he can't take everything I know and just rip me out of it. He understood. 

A [fiancee] took the hanging clothes from me and set them on the box. He helped me to my feet and hugged me. I put my arms around his neck and buried my face in his shoulder and he lifted me up to wrap my legs around him. He carried me back into the living room and sat in his big chair with me kneeling, straddling his lap. 

He kept telling me, "Whatever you want, baby. I don't care what takes, whatever you want," until I calmed down. Then we talked it out while he held me. I love how safe I feel in his arms. I told him I know we have to go, that it's good for his business and the life he wants for us. 

He told me he just wants a home for us where things are safer and quieter than they can be in Los Angeles. He told me he gets so excited thinking about coming home to me in a nice house with my father and our little children there. He says he dreams about driving in from a rough day at work and finding a good meal waiting and little kids wanting his attention. He wants to hear about our day spent going to the park and working on homework and practicing soccer and whatever else people do in gated cities. 

He told me he wants us to be financially safe and never have to worry and raise our kids and have a place where we can spend 30 or 40 years getting old together before we go retire somewhere. He said he wants good schools and clean streets and things Los Angeles can't offer. He doesn't want our kids growing up here and passing homeless people screaming or popping their bike tires on broken glass or worrying about getting carjacked on Reseda Blvd. 

He said, "I want so much for us, baby. I get so excited about this and I forget that this makes you anxiety." He acknowledged that he doesn't always stop to think about the fact that this little area is what I've always known, all I've always known. 

He said he felt so much sadness his first year here when he left Iran. Even though he had friends and friends of his family living here it wasn't the same. He said he got so lonely and did so many bad things with a lot of guys to make himself feel better. He said he didn't feel truly at home until the day he moved me in here to our townhouse. 

He said it was the happiest day of his life and he finally felt like a grown up, like a daddy, like someone with a family to protect and bills to pay and an alarm to figure out and a boy to take care of. He said it made him feel like he could really do this and achieve his dream here. He said that it made him think about the future and raising a family with me and getting to a community he felt would be better for us. We can't afford the nice communities up in the hills, but we can afford something nicer in Orange County and his business can grow much bigger down there closer to the growing parts of California (inland). 

He asked me if I wanted this, if I shared his dream for us. He said to really think about it. 

He'd never asked me that before. I told him he'd never asked me that before. He looked confused and then sad. He said he was sorry for that, sorry that he still hasn't learned to include me in decisions. 

I said that I did want the dream. I said that I can't imagine a life without him. I said I knew this was coming, knew that it was a good decision, knew that it would be good for me and us and my dad and our future... but it still hurts to leave everything I know behind. 

He said he wanted me to see it, the new house. He hasn't taken me down inside it since he bought it because they're fixing it up, but he thought it would help me to go and look and see the dream. 

So we drove down. We got stuck in traffic and stopped to pee and get Jamba juice. He put my hand on the shifter knob and covered it with his and we played stupid pop songs with the sunroof open while we inched along and sipped our drinks. 

The place is beautiful. It's not a huge house and inside it's kinda gutted, but the outside is pretty and he showed me on his phone what things will look like. 

We got the box that I'd packed and the clothes (minus the shirt I'd sneezed into) We put our pictures up on a built-in bookshelf that was finished. We hung up the clothes in the closet of one of the small bedrooms that is just waiting to be painted (the master bedroom is totally undone). We had some... couple's time on the carpet even though the windows still need blinds put up, but the fence shielded that window from the neighbors. It's really a nice place. 

We walked around the neighborhood and then went to lunch in the little shopping center close-by. It's an area that has a lot of families and kids. It has a lot of Chinese and Persian and Indian and White people. It's pretty diverse even though the stereotype for Orange County is not. It looks more like LA, the nicer parts. 

We were heading back and he decided we should stop at a furniture place. We sat on couches and he asked me to show him the kind of stuff I like and want for our house. He took pictures and made friends with a salesman. 

When we got this townhouse he had a friend decorate it for us so I didn't get to pick out anything. He said he wants me to make more decisions with the house and we can get new stuff. He promised to include me more in the decision-making process with things. I felt better. I felt like a grown-up. I felt like more than just the protected little boy who tags along with him on his business trips. I felt like his partner. 

Goodbye Reseda

Change is hard for me. I don't care for it. We have a house in Orange County, but it's getting fixed up. A [the fiancee] wants new floors, paint, appliances, other stuff. 

He thinks I want a fancy kitchen even though I've never mentioned it. He just has this idea that somehow the kitchen is the most important thing to me. He pictures me spending my days there working on crazy meals for him when he gets home from work. Except for the fact that we're a gay couple, he is a super traditional guy. In his culture, the women are supposed to be at home taking care of things and enjoying it. I don't mind cooking, but I really just hang out in the kitchen when I need to get some writing done. 

The original plan was that we will move down there when my semester is over and then my dad will move down a month or so later. He is going to live with us and start a new job down there. A (the fiancee) found my dad a better paying position down there with a luxury car dealer (my dad can fix anything). Well my dad's lease is up on the little apartment we lived in since I was tiny. The landlord was the elderly lady who had it as an investment and kept the rent low because my dad fixed anything that broke in the place. She died and her kids sold it so the new owner wants market rate rent which is about double what dad paid. 

A [fiancee] decided my dad should go ahead and move out. So now he is going to give it up at the end of this month. He's going to move in with us until he starts his new job down in Orange County and then live in our house before we even get to move in there. They told me this today over lunch. 

Lots of change. Soon Reseda won't be home anymore.  

I lived there for 18 years of my life. Now I have a few weeks to say goodbye to it... forever. 
I'm saying goodbye to my college, my valley, and the home I grew up in. 

I know it's a good thing. My dad won't have to worry about money anymore since he will live with us. A [fiancee] is very traditional and in his culture the extended family lives together plus he gets along so well with my dad. My dad pretty much trusts whatever A says and asks his advice on things. He's even helping my dad get a newer truck since his is almost as old as I am. A says that when you marry someone, their family becomes yours so he looks after my dad like he was his own. 

It was kind of funny watching them prepare me for the news over lunch. They both care so much about me and know how hard I take change. They even took me to the veggie restaurant I like even though they're not fans. I guess I can't really complain. 

I did point out, once we'd left my dad, that if my dad is living with us it'll cut into our naked time around the house. He said my dad is planning some trips this summer so we will have time to experience each room of the new house (except for dad's... yuck).