Last night we were doing some online shopping for our Miami trip and we picked out new swimsuits and then I saw some shirts that I had to have. He saw I liked them and he added them to the online cart. I stopped him and told him no. I said, "We're buying a new house and going on a trip. I shouldn't spend your money on more clothes that I don't need. Plus you're paying my summer tuition soon."
He said, "Of course you should. My baby is taken care of, there's nothing to worry about. I promised you you'd never have to worry for anything."
Then we argued back and forth about me not needing them, but then he stopped me.
He took my hands and held them up in front of us.
He said, "Look, the little scars on your palms are almost gone completely. If I don't know to look for them, I never will notice them. It makes me so happy. I still look at them every day to see what kind of man I am for you."
I used to get bad anxiety when I was younger. I'd dig my fingernails into my palms and sometimes they bled with little crescent cuts. I couldn't stop it. I had anxiety pretty bad and it's like it built up and that little feeling of digging in was like a release. Apparently it's a thing not unique to me. I didn't realize other people had done it too. (See meme below) My dad used to freak out when I did it as a kid, it peaked around ages 14-17, but now I never do it.
When we met and started hanging out he would check my palms every day or when I'd get upset he would uncurl my fingers and hold my hands. You would think it would have horrified him or made him think I was totally weird, but it didn't. He accepted it and helped me through it. I didn't think he checked me like that anymore. He's so busy and it's been so long since I've done that or even wanted to.
He said "I use to see blood and feel like I fail you, know I let down my promise to take care of you. They are my report card."
He still checks in with me...
I think that's why I stopped writing the Noah series. Something about putting our wedding down... there's just something so private about it. I wrote the chapter for it, but I couldn't bring myself to publish it. It felt like crossing a line.
I thought about doing a remix story of Noah, make it less of us but still with a similar setup. I also made a big huge mistake when I wrote Noah. It was my first story (although Emerson was the first one I actually posted).
The original concept for Noah's Starship was to do it as one chapter representing each month of the relationship. That's why the original chapter titles were June, July, August... But I had to skip so much that was really special about those first few months of getting to know someone. I rushed ahead too fast and then it led to "boring" sex scenes because after the first few months we got into a rhythm of how things go.
Right now I'm working on Tabula Colton, one more chapter. I might write more after this chapter 13, but this will wrap up some things.
Sorry for the long post,
-Emri
It's okay for your posts. I can't wait to see what you come up with next. Keep writing and I will read your posts from now on. Thank you to A for letting you express yourself in your writings. It helps the readers to relax when your stories come out. So thank you both.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear you feel that way about ‘Noah Starship’... sometimes readers can be harsh when they complain about sex stories no5 being they way they want it and always wanting something different. It’s not like that in real life for most. But I am great full you are keeping your personal blog.
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